Friendships

I've realized these past few days how blessed I truly am with the friendships that I've been lucky enough to form. My friends have held me down these past few months and helped me find myself after being broken and feeling like I was lost. I've learned that sometimes the most unexpected friendships are the best ones and that sometimes you need to be apart from people to realize how much they really mean to you. I've also learned to appreciate those who have been by my side for years and stuck with me through it all. Sometimes, we lose sight of those friendships or don't think of how important and crucial they have been to our growth. At least I know I have. 

I've lost some people who I thought were really close friends, but I've gained more amazing friends in the process. I've learned the importance of honesty and transparency in a friendship and what loyalty really means. I've learned that loyalty is more than just staying true to your friendships but about staying true to who you are in the process as well.

I think one of the most important lessons that I've learned is that you can't force anyone to be loyal to you or to be a good friend to you. Those who GENUINELY desire a friendship with you will make sure that it happens one way or another. Those who WHOLEHEARTEDLY care about you and value who you are will make sure that you're in their life, no matter what you may go through in the friendship. There's no point in fighting for a friendship alone. If it's meant to be, it won't have to feel like a fight in the first place. Friendships take work on both ends of the spectrum and if only one person is working towards it, not much more needs to be said about where the friendships stands. Actions speak louder than anything. I'll always remember that. 

I'm Not Alone.

Brokenness Made Beautiful

"And in the end, we were all just humans...drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness" - F.Scott Fitzgerald

When something is broken, many times we assume that it can easily be fixed. If a phone is broken, there are specialists who can fix it in a matter of minutes. If a bone is broken, there are doctors who know the techniques to help them heal properly. If a car is broken, there are millions of mechanics on the planet who are professionals and can get the car running like new. 

Now imagine this: You're madly in love. You have shared some of your deepest secrets, some of your biggest fears, some of the most beautiful moments with one special person. You had hopes that this person was the person you would spend the rest of your life with. It sounds magical, right? Now, imagine that person betraying you. Imagine them saying things that would never leave your mind; imagine them stealing the sparkle in your eye..the smile on  your face..the happiness that you felt every time you were with them. Imagine them breaking you. Imagine them breaking your heart in such a way that it physically hurt you to even breathe. Imagine feeling so broken that just the thought of them made you cry. Imagine feeling like everything was crashing down and you had absolutely no control over which direction it would go.

I know, it sounds dramatic but I had to get the point across. People deal with scenarios similar and worse than the scenario above. People struggle with brokenness on a daily basis, but many times it's hidden. Many times they have ways of coping and hiding so others won't know the hurt that they're feeling.

Recently, different obstacles have been placed in my life and I've been feeling a sense of brokenness. My closest friends can see the hurt in my eyes, my smile isn't as bright as it was before, my heart just hurts. My thoughts are consumed of questions that will never be answered and my soul cries out for the love of my Father that I feel has been so far from me for so long. My heart yearns to be fixed, to be held with a gentleness that will carefully take each piece and make sure to put it in the place where it fits best.

I wholeheartedly believe that genuine love can fix the brokenness that I've been feeling. Not romantic love, but genuine love from those closest to me. Most importantly, the love that only my heavenly Father can give. The type of love that is unconditional; the type of love that never fails; the type of love that will ALWAYS be there, even when I'm distant. I've learned that when we stray off in our own directions and try to make things work on our own, brokenness happens. Not always, but more often than not. I've learned that the only One who can handle our hearts the way they should be handled is God.

Now, the process of a "heart repair" is hard. Some days are painful. Some days require for certain pieces to be thrown out and replaced. Some days require a bit of wear and tear to fit the new pieces in perfectly. Some days may seem easy, but the process in general is time consuming and difficult. The thing keeping me going? The anticipation for the final product. I  cannot wait for the day where I can say that my heart is made new. I cannot wait to be able to give my heart to the man that was made for me and know that it is safe. I cannot wait to have the opportunity to love WHOLEHEARTEDLY instead of with pieces of a heart shattered by hopes of things that would never be and people who didn't care enough to handle it with care. 

This time will be difficult. Some days will be painful and some days will get the best of me, but the end result will be beautiful. Brokenness can and will be made beautiful. I will be living proof that absolutely nothing is too great for my God. I don't doubt that the situations in my life are miniscule in comparison to others'. I know that there are people in the world going through things that I could never imagine surviving, but, right now, I'm struggling. Right now, I'm in the process of being refined in to the beautiful gold that God wants me to be. & we all know that going through fire isn't easy. So, bare with me and see how amazing my Daddy is. Watch how brokenness can be made beautiful.

Love, in all forms.

These past few months have taught me so much about love. Not necessarily romantic love, but just love in general. The love that we give to our family, our friends and our peers; it's all so important and so deep. Sometimes we lose sight of how much of an effect just the smallest act of love can have on someone. I've learned that simply sitting with someone and having a conversation with them is an act of love. Holding the door for someone is an act of love. Sending an encouraging text message or just one simple phone call is such a huge act of love. So many times we are intimidated by the fact that someone can actually genuinely love us. We are scared of vulnerability and do whatever we can to prevent ourselves from becoming vulnerable and opening ourselves into the hands of someone else. We are terrified of someone having access to the depths of our soul and taking advantage of it. The truth is, being vulnerable and allowing someone to get to know us for the crevices of our hearts and who we truly are is one of the most beautiful things anyone could ever experience. In allowing someone to see who we truly are, it's like we're giving them a microscope to look at all of the tiny little details that they wouldn't see just my looking at them. The most beautiful part about the whole process is that there will be people who will see all of these details and love us anyway. That's the beauty of it all. Through all of our mistakes and all of our flaws, there will be people who will love us despite of it all.

It reminds me of how many people I know who have "trust issues." So many people are quick to put up a barrier when it comes to sharing anything personal or letting someone know them because they don't want to trust them. I've struggled with it myself, and I've learned that with discretion we can see who is genuine with wanting to know us and who simply wants to know information for the sake of knowing it, not because they genuinely care. I've learned that letting people into my heart isn't as scary as I made it out to be. Having "trust issues" was my excuse for being closed off and not being vulnerable. Why? Because I didn't want anyone to see my deepest fears or the secrets that I may have. One of the greatest feelings, though, is knowing that I'm loved despite all of those fears and all of my imperfections.

I'll never understand why I'm loved. By my God, my family, my closest friends. I'll never be worthy of their love and I'll never be able to comprehend the complexity of the love that God has for me, but I'm so grateful. I'm so blessed and so thankful for the love that keeps me going. I truly believe that love can change lives. Love can change the world. Love conquers ALL things. I've seen it up close and felt it and nothing will ever be able to change my mind. In my times of weakness and my struggles and my trials, it is the LOVE that I'm surrounded with that keeps me strong. It is the love that is poured out on me that helps me get back on my feet to continue this journey that God has for me. Yes, I fall. Yes, I make mistakes. Yes, I stumble. Yes, I fail God every single day, but I'm still loved. & THAT is what I'm living for. I strive to show that love to the world. I strive to show the world that with love, anything is possible. I'm not perfect and I will never be perfect, but my heart is filled with love and I know that I'm called to share it with all of the people I may encounter.

Life is too short to do anything but love. Life is to short to be anything but happy. Life is too short to live with regrets. So, for the rest of my days I strive to show the world that even through the hardest of storms and darkest of days, there is and there will always be love.

Growth

One thing I've realized this summer is that I'm definitely not the same person that I was a year ago. I've gained strength, confidence, peace and have learned to enjoy everything as it is. The experiences that I've had this summer have taught me that love conquers all. Love is the ultimate source of joy in the world. I've learned to take time to get to know people for their hearts and who they really are. I feel like I've grown more into who I'm supposed to be. I've made mistakes, but I've learned so much from them. I'm definitely maturing and I'm so excited for this next journey in my life. Some days are better than others but what is important is that I'm joyful through every situation and content with everything that I'm blessed with.

The people that I've met this summer and the friendships that I've made have all helped me understand more about life, love, God and the world itself. I appreciate each and every person in my life and am so appreciative of all of the lessons they've taught me. Getting to know someone for who they really are and allowing them to teach you is a beautiful thing. My life is beautiful and I'm so glad that I finally see the beauty in all of it.

There's a First Time for Everything

Before the recent passing of my friend Cydney, I had never been to a friend's funeral before. As I was driving to the funeral home, there was a plethora of emotions that were flooding my mind. I was scared, nervous, anxious and sad all at the same time. When I walked into that room and saw her in her casket, it felt like someone had cut open my chest and beat it with a hammer. I didn't know how to react. The tears were flowing out of my eyes and my only recollection of that moment was me walking up to the casket and whispering to her that I was so sorry. I felt selfish for not spending enough time with her or not telling her how much I appreciated her. I felt like I should have done more to let her know how amazing she was and how much she meant to me. The guilt flooded my insides and I knew that I had to turn around and walk away. I had to prepare myself for my friends who would come in to this building and see her the same way that I just had.
It was comforting to know that I wasn't the only one feeling so sad and hurt. It was comforting to know that I wasn't alone but I still felt an uneasiness in my spirit. I felt like it was my duty to stay strong for my friends. I felt like it was my responsibility to be their crying shoulder and to let them know everything will be okay. I looked at God with the most confused face and said "God..how am I supposed to be strong when I can't even contain myself?" All I know is that at that moment, God embraced me in His arms and said "Babygirl,  let ME be your strength and everything will be okay." As my friends walked up to the funeral home I could see their eyes beginning to well up with tears and I could see the hurt in their eyes and in a weird way I felt peace. Although I was hurt and sad and upset, I knew that God would intervene.

I never thought about what it would be like to lose a friend until the tragedy struck this past week. I realized, though, that as awful as this experience was, it won't be the only death I will ever experience. I've learned that life is too precious to waste time being angry or holding any type of grudge. I've learned that life is too short to hold back from saying how we feel or enjoying ourselves as much as we possibly can. I've learned that instead of focusing on the future or the past, it is most important to focus on the present and make it the best we can. I've learned that through the love of those surrounding us, we can get through any situation that we come across. I've learned that it's ok not to always be ok, but what is important is what I do with my feelings and how I handle them.

We have to appreciate and cherish each moment that we have. It's not about how many moments we have in life, it's about appreciating the moments that take our breath away.