Before the recent passing of my friend Cydney, I had never been to a friend's funeral before. As I was driving to the funeral home, there was a plethora of emotions that were flooding my mind. I was scared, nervous, anxious and sad all at the same time. When I walked into that room and saw her in her casket, it felt like someone had cut open my chest and beat it with a hammer. I didn't know how to react. The tears were flowing out of my eyes and my only recollection of that moment was me walking up to the casket and whispering to her that I was so sorry. I felt selfish for not spending enough time with her or not telling her how much I appreciated her. I felt like I should have done more to let her know how amazing she was and how much she meant to me. The guilt flooded my insides and I knew that I had to turn around and walk away. I had to prepare myself for my friends who would come in to this building and see her the same way that I just had.
It was comforting to know that I wasn't the only one feeling so sad and hurt. It was comforting to know that I wasn't alone but I still felt an uneasiness in my spirit. I felt like it was my duty to stay strong for my friends. I felt like it was my responsibility to be their crying shoulder and to let them know everything will be okay. I looked at God with the most confused face and said "God..how am I supposed to be strong when I can't even contain myself?" All I know is that at that moment, God embraced me in His arms and said "Babygirl, let ME be your strength and everything will be okay." As my friends walked up to the funeral home I could see their eyes beginning to well up with tears and I could see the hurt in their eyes and in a weird way I felt peace. Although I was hurt and sad and upset, I knew that God would intervene.
I never thought about what it would be like to lose a friend until the tragedy struck this past week. I realized, though, that as awful as this experience was, it won't be the only death I will ever experience. I've learned that life is too precious to waste time being angry or holding any type of grudge. I've learned that life is too short to hold back from saying how we feel or enjoying ourselves as much as we possibly can. I've learned that instead of focusing on the future or the past, it is most important to focus on the present and make it the best we can. I've learned that through the love of those surrounding us, we can get through any situation that we come across. I've learned that it's ok not to always be ok, but what is important is what I do with my feelings and how I handle them.
We have to appreciate and cherish each moment that we have. It's not about how many moments we have in life, it's about appreciating the moments that take our breath away.